I took some time off from this blog
because my heart was breaking. It still is. After 3+ years, staying by him through all his crazy shit…. after questioning myself “should i stay or should i go?” …..after loving no other—not even feeling attracted to anyone else….. after empty promise after empty promise….. after hours of laughter…. after hours of crying….. inside jokes, movies, adventures, future plans, supporting him…. it’s basically over.
I never asked for much (I’m a very low maintenance girl - no really, Very low maintenance)…. I asked for only a little of him time because he was always busy. I asked for honesty, faithfulness (which he broke), and openness (which he was afraid of). He couldn’t give this to me but still I loved him more than I have loved any man. I was willing to overlook his faults because I believed in him so much! I believed in us…. when we were together we could do anything! And I still do believe in him…. but his belief in us was never as strong as mine. And soon, it turned out, I was in a relationship by myself. That hurt so much. After a while, even when I was with him I was lonely. I tried not to put pressure on him by relying on him for anything, but once in a while I would count on him and it would fall through and it was horrible. I never knew anyone who broke his or her word as much as he did…
I got him too cry for the first time in a decade… I showed him that it was ok. He was the first person I ever considered marrying…. the thought actually didn’t make me nauseous!
I miss him so much… his smell… his crinkly eyes when he smiled…. his voice and taste and lips that I thought could fix every problem in the world…. I especially miss the weight of his arms around me…. holding another person - that tiny act that, in reality, is so big - means so much, give so much comfort. No one can do it like him. And so I mourn us…. the very bright future we could have had. The future you were so afraid to have because your past left you so damaged. You have taken all I can give and I’ve received…… Well, I’ll get back to you when I figure that one out. But I’ve learned not to be blinded by the love I want to give out.
Thats it for now. I love you and I miss you, but I’ve got to mourn. I can’t go through this again with you. I can’t have you shutting down and pushing me away every time you experience something hard in life… It’s too lonely and painful to experience. But I will always love you.
